


I don’t care if you’re broken, I love you.

by ArtemisKane



Series: Trials and Tribulations of Artemis Kane and the Gangsey. [7]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Communication, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, PTSD, Panic Attack, Polyamory, Self-Harm, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:48:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25257205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtemisKane/pseuds/ArtemisKane
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING : PANIC ATTACK, SELF-HARMA loud cry startles me awake.I gasp, sitting up sharply, momentarily disoriented as my eyes quickly adjust to the dark. The same cry, louder now, breaks through the stillness of the night once more. I turn to my right and am faced with a horrifying sight.Richard Campbell Gansey III. Dick. Rex Corvus. The Raven King. Adam and I’s boyfriend. Gansey. This wonderful and complex young man is writhing on the bedsheets, crying out in agony as he claws at his own face and skin.
Relationships: Adam Parrish/Original Female Character(s), Richard Gansey III/Adam Parrish, Richard Gansey III/Adam Parrish/Original Female Character(s), Richard Gansey III/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Trials and Tribulations of Artemis Kane and the Gangsey. [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814629
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	I don’t care if you’re broken, I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> *Context*
> 
> All characters are 19, all characters are in a consensual polyamory relationship, and Artemis Kane is a feisty, loving, analytical Omega Werewolf.
> 
> So the timeline for their relationship is :
> 
> {The Gangsey and Artemis meet and become friends. 
> 
> Two months into this Gansey, Adam, and Artemis become a couple.
> 
> Two months later, they have a huge fight and break up.
> 
> One month after that, they reconcile and begin dating once more.
> 
> Around 3 months later, this fic takes place.}

A loud cry startles me awake.

I gasp, sitting up sharply, momentarily disoriented as my eyes quickly adjust to the dark. The same cry, louder now, breaks through the stillness of the night once more. I turn to my right and am faced with a horrifying sight.

Richard Campbell Gansey III. Dick. Rex Corvus. The Raven King. Adam and I’s boyfriend. Gansey. This wonderful and complex young man is writhing on the bedsheets, crying out in agony as he claws at his own face and skin.

I stand frozen for a short moment in shock, before another cry and the scent of blood hits me, and I spring into action.

I’m gently climbing on top of his legs and taking his hands away from where his nails have already carved shallow trenches in the thin skin of his face, and am pinning him to the bed with as much care and gentleness that I can while making sure he doesn’t hurt himself further. While it isn’t really difficult to do this due to my werewolf strength, I’m still worried that I’ll end up accidentally making him panic further.

He doesn’t seem to even register what I’m doing. But he isn’t calming down either. He just fights my grip on his arms and legs and continues to scream in fear and agony.

“Gansey,” I say calmly, but firmly, “Gansey it’s ok, you’re safe. Listen to my voice, Gansey, it’s ok. You’re safe, you’re safe.”

It’s not working. He continues to fight and scream in a broken voice.

“No!” Gansey’s voice is like shattered glass, it tears me apart and makes tears spring in my eyes while his own run down his cheeks, “N-No! Plea-No! Stop-“

He screams once more, shattering my heart further. I don’t know what to do! I wish Adam was here, but he had to leave early to go back to Yale for some test, and then needs to stay there because of his classes. How I wish I could have his cool headedness and support right now. I can feel myself slowly spiralling at the panic and helplessness filling me, but I know that that won’t help Gansey, so I fight it and try to stay strong for the gorgeous boy who is suffering from his own demons right now.

“Gansey!” I say, a little louder to be heard over his screams, but still trying to keep my voice steady and calm, “Listen to my voice, Gansey! You are safe! You are safe! It’s ok! You are safe!”

Nothing. More screaming, more fighting, more tears and broken words.

Nothing! Nothing is working! What do I do!

Suddenly, a thought hits me. Something I remember from when Adam and Gansey sat down with me around a month or so into our relationship, it being apparent that it had been Adam who talked Gansey into doing it, and told me about Gansey’s panic attacks and ways to help stop them.

I lean down a little closer to Gansey and make sure to speak loudly and calmly once more.

“Gansey.” No response. His eyes are clenched tightly shut as he continues to scream. “Gansey!” I squeeze his wrists a little, and his eyes flutter open slightly, not really registering what he’s seeing, but he looks a little more present, which is an improvement. “I’m gonna go grab something quickly, but I need you to stay still, ok? You are safe, you are safe, Gansey.” He seems to calm down a bit, but I have a feeling it won’t be for long. His rapid heartbeat is so loud in my ears, almost as loud as the choked off screams he’s releasing now. 

Before his panic can increase more, I quickly get off him and rush to the small cooler we keep in the “kitchen”. I belatedly glance toward Ronan’s room. The door is open and no one is inside. The Barns, I think distractedly.

When I practically throw the cooler open, I’m greeted with the Coca Cola cans that Gansey keeps in there for Adam, making a pang of something like pain mixed with yearning shoot through me. I’m grabbing a towel and wrapping as many ice cubes as I can carry in it. An agonized scream makes me work faster.

I rush back to the room to see Gansey once more clawing at his body desperately, fighting off an enemy that only he can see, that he can feel.

I growl slightly, frustrated and worried beyond belief, before I clamber on top of him once more, lift his shirt up a bit, and place the towel wrapped cubes of ice directly on his exposed stomach.

He flinches away from the sensation, but I keep it there while I pin his arms above his head with one hand.

“It’s ok, Gansey,” I say, watching him intently, “You’re safe, it’s all ok.”

I continue like this, trying to remain calm and levelled while intermittently moving the bag of ice around to different places. The palms of his hands, the side of his face, his arms, hoping that the ice will do what it’s supposed to and shock him back to reality.

After what feels like aeons later, Gansey finally begins to calm down and return to himself. I keep him gently pinned still, the bag of ice nearby should I need it.

“You’re ok, Gansey,” I murmur softly once his heartbeat has calmed considerably and he’s only letting out quiet sobs, “I’ve got you, you’re safe.”

He nods slightly, and that small action makes my heart soar.

“Gansey,” I say gently, “can you look at me?”

After a couple of deep breaths, he opens his eyes with effort. I greet him with a small smile and delicately kiss his forehead, watching his reaction. He doesn’t seem to have much of one, which is ok since it’s a lot better than the panic and desperation from before.

I carefully let go of his wrists and climb off him to lay beside him, ready to spring back into action if need be. But he simply lays there, chest heaving while he makes an effort to take deep breaths.

“Gansey?”

He turns his head laboriously and looks at me with tired and haunted eyes.

“How are you feeling?”

Suddenly, realization fills his gaze and he begins to make an effort to compose himself. He sits up shakily.

“I’m fine,” is his curt reply, “don’t worry about me, Artemis.”

One of his hands touches his scratched up face lightly, before he drops his hand into his lap, looking vaguely frustrated.

“Yes,” he states more firmly than before, but I see right through it, “I’m perfectly fine, thank you.”

This sparks a flare of irritation in my gut. I literally just witnessed him be quite decidedly not fine, and yet he’s trying to push it under the rug as if it’s nothing? 

I’m about to give him a piece of my mind, but then he tries to get off the bed, his body still shaking, and I’m reminded of the fact that me getting mad at him for trying to be a martyr isn’t gonna help anything. 

I take a deep breath, forcing myself to let the frustration go, and then I stand up, walking over to Gansey’s side of the bed while gently pushing down on his shoulders to make him sit back down. He looks at me, confused.

“Stay here,” I murmur, “I’m gonna go get the med-kit.”

As I begin to leave, he wraps a slightly trembling hand around my wrist.

“I’m fine, Artemis,” he insists stubbornly, “while I appreciate the concern, I’m quite fine-“

“Stop.” My voice comes out more growly than I would have preferred, but it makes him stop and look at me. I close my eyes briefly and take another deep breath before continuing. “I love you, Gans, and I’m going to take care of you now.”

“Artemis-“

“Gansey.” My tone is stern. He eventually let’s go of my wrist with a despondent sigh. 

I head to the bathroom and rifle under the sink until I find the med-kit. When I come back to the room, Gansey is still sitting there, but his head is now lowered so I can’t see his face, and his shoulders are shaking.

I quickly set down the med-kit on the bedside table before kneeling in front of Gansey and placing my hands on his knees.

“Gansey?” I hear a quiet sob and his shoulders shake some more, “Gans, can you look at me, please?”

He does, albeit unwillingly. There are tears running down his cheeks and such a look of self-loathing in his hazel eyes. 

Before I can say anything, he bursts out in a sudden torrent of choked words and repressed sobs.

“I’m sorry,” pain, pain is all that I feel at those words, “I’m so sorry I put you through that, Artemis, I’m so sorry I’m so fucking broken, please forgive me I’m sorry-“

“Gansey.” My voice is gentle, but firm, and he bites his lip to prevent the further word-vomit, “Listen to me. I love you. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.” He opens his mouth to protest. “No. You don’t. You went through some intense trauma, and experienced things that no person should have to experience. But you kept fighting, you kept wanting to live. And that is very, very brave and amazing, Gansey. You and Adam are two of the strongest people I know, and I am so proud to be able to call you my boyfriends.”

Tears are still running down his cheeks, but the sobbing has abated some. I stand up and place my hands on his shoulders.

“You still have remnants of that trauma, which is completely normal. It’s ok, Gans. I don’t love you less for what happened. Yeah, I was worried sick, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that it was completely normal and ok. I’m your girlfriend, Gansey, and I am more than happy to provide you with all the support and care you need, and to love you the way you deserve to be loved, ok?”

He closes his eyes, still slightly stubborn. I grip his chin gently, tilting his head up so he looks at me.

“Ok?”

“...ok.” Is Gansey’s quiet answer, which is enough for now.

I open up the med-kit and remove the supplies I’ll need to treat the shallow scratches along his face. I gently clean them, making sure to be extra careful. I kiss the top of his head once I’m done.

“Do you wanna cuddle?”

He heaves a sigh.

“Artemis, you don’t have to do this, it’s alright.”

I simply stare at him pointedly until he begrudgingly admits that yes, he would like to cuddle now.

We settle in bed, his face pressed into my neck, his arms wrapped around my waist as mine are wrapped around his back, one of my hands running up and down his spine while the other plays with the fingers of one of his hands. After a quiet moment, I murmur, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

He thinks a moment, before curtly shaking his head and burying his face in my neck further.

He doesn’t need to talk, to be honest. I already have a pretty good idea what he was seeing. Wasps, death, helplessness. I squeeze Gansey a little tighter.

I had never seen Gansey have a panic attack before, and despite Adam and Gansey talking to me about it beforehand, I still felt out of depth and unmoored just now. I can’t be like that again. I resolve to be better for Gansey, in any way that I can be.

After another short moment, I mutter, “Do you want me to video call Adam?”

He hesitates a moment, before saying “No, it’s fine.” His voice is tight and strained. I see right through his fake composed Richard Gansey III act.

“I’m calling him.”

Gansey let’s out a subtle sigh of relief.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Do you need me to come back?” 

Adam’s voice sounds pragmatic, but I can detect the note of worry in it, and so does Gansey.

“No no,” Gansey flaps a dismissive hand toward the phone, “You need to focus on your education.”

“Gansey,” Adam’s voice is edging toward a mix between stern and concerned, “Don’t talk to me like that. I love you, and if you need me to come back I will make time to come back.”

Adam rarely ever actually says the words ‘I love you’, and I can feel by the way Gansey’s breath catches that he’s affected by that fact. His previously untouchable mask drops some, allowing some vulnerability to slip through.

“I love you too, Adam” Gansey murmurs to the phone, “which is exactly why I’m asking you to stay at Yale. I have Artemis here with me, and one of us can always call you, like we are doing now. I’ll be alright. We’ll be alright.”

Adam still looks dubious and concerned, but the worry line between his brows begins to lessen.

“Ok...” Adam says at length, “I trust you both.” He runs his hands through his dusty curls. “But call me, ok? For anything.” Adam has a firm look in his eyes, leaving no room for arguments.

“Of course, Adam.” I say, fondness colouring my voice.

Adam nods his head, leaning back with a heavy sigh onto the pillows on his bed.

“How are you feeling now, Gans?” Adam murmurs softly.

Gansey tenses slightly, and I can feel that mask trying to reconstruct itself. A defence mechanism that is hard to stop, even with the people that you love. But before he can become Richard Gansey III, I kiss just behind his ear and pull him closer to me, his back pressing more firmly against my chest as I continue to leave soft kisses along the back of his neck. This ends up successfully disarming his defences, and he let’s out a slow breath.

“I feel...” Gansey hesitates,”There’s still...buzzing...but....it’s better.” He tilts his head to look at me behind him slightly. “I feel better.”

I smile softly and gently kiss his lips before pulling away and looking at Adam. 

He has a soft smile on his face, deep blue eyes filled with fondness.

“Ok,” Adam says, “that’s good.”

We all sort of lay in a comfortable silence before Gansey clears his throat.

“What time do your classes start tomorrow?”

“My first class is at 7.”

“Oh.” Gansey’s voice poorly hides his disappointment. He glances at the clock on our nightstand and I do too. 1am.

Adam seems to read his thoughts.

“Do you want me to stay on the call with you both?”

Gansey recovers quickly. 

“No no, it’s alright,” he says, yet again attempting to hide how he’s really feeling, “you need to rest.”

Adam gives him a very pointed, and very stern look.

“Gansey...” Adam’s voice holds a touch of warming. Gansey sighs, defeated.

“Fine, yes, I want you to stay on the call,” He says peevishly. “You both seem to be intent on pushing me today.”

“Only because we don’t want you to hide stuff from us.” I say calmly. Gansey winces, guilty. I squeeze him a little tighter. “Don’t feel like that. Adam and I understand, but we also care about you and want what’s best for you.” Gansey nods slightly, still clearly wanting to be a martyr.

“I can stay on the line for as long as you need me to, Gans.” Adam says.

“I don’t want you being exhausted for class tomorrow just because of my stupid PTSD and insomnia.” Gansey retorts stubbornly.

“Gansey,” Adam says seriously, “I wanna be there for you, ok?”

Gansey hesitates, before nodding.

“Alright...but only for a little while longer. You need to rest.” Gansey says firmly, his eyes filled with such determination, leaving no room for argument.

Adam shakes his head, lips quirking up slightly at the edges.

“Fine.” He says, amusement and love practically radiating off him through the phone.

Even though we aren’t all together now, with the sound of Adam and Gansey’s voices in the stillness of the night, I feel a warmth fill me t’ill I’m sure I’ll explode with love for these two amazing boys.

I don’t know what the future will hold, but I know that if I have these boys by my side, if I can continue to love them and be loved by them, then no obstacle is too daunting.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! Again, constructive feedback is much appreciated!!!


End file.
